An essential guide to healing your relationships
Apologies matter whether you’re in a romantic relationship, navigating a family estrangement, or dealing with a workplace issue. As a therapist and executive life coach, I’ve witnessed firsthand how a well-delivered apology can make all the difference in repairing and saving relationships.
So why do most of us seriously suck at giving one?
When an apology doesn’t connect emotionally with the person you’re apologizing to, it won’t have the healing effect you intended. Apologies that come across as incomplete, insincere, or defensive can backfire and make things worse.
Common Obstacles to Apologizing
The other person’s reaction lets you know you did something that bothered them. They’re upset with you, and now you’re upset, too. Now what?
When you get clear about your motivation for offering an apology, it becomes easier to deliver one.
Dr. Jan: “What do you hope to accomplish with an apology?”
Client: “I want them to stop being upset with me. I want things to be okay and go back to normal.”
Research in motivation science shows that connecting with your emotions is crucial in turning intentions into actions. The promise of emotional relief and a stronger, stable relationship can inspire you to take that first step — to initiate a “repair attempt” that helps both parties feel understood, rebuild trust, and move forward.
Client: “But what if they need to apologize, too?”
Dr. Jan: “Sometimes being the first to apologize can disarm the other person and prompt them to own their part. But there’s no guarantee. I don’t recommend making your apology conditional on receiving one in return.”
Client: “What if they don’t accept my apology?”
Dr. Jan: “Whether or not it changes their opinion or helps your public image, offering an apology can bring you emotional relief. You’re taking control by allowing yourself to clear your conscience and try to make things right.”
In other words, apologizing can have a surprisingly strengthening effect.
From “Sorry” to Superpower: Safeguards and Face-Saving Strategies for Apologizing
Feeling vulnerable is a key reason people resist apologizing, but vulnerability is also what makes an apology so powerful.
Client: “I don’t like feeling in a one-down position. Apologizing opens me up to attack or being taken advantage of.”
Dr. Jan: “An apology doesn’t mean putting yourself at the other person’s mercy. When offered with confidence and sincerity, it becomes a powerful and subtle way to take control of the situation and strengthen the relationship.”
I often introduce safeguards and face-saving strategies that make vulnerability more manageable.
One of the most effective tools is the accusation audit, developed by former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss.
- Inventory all the “accusations” you anticipate from the other person. What are their negative assumptions and judgments about you — before you even open your mouth?
- Let the first words out of your mouth be naming and acknowledging those accusations. I’m probably the last person you want to hear from…
- Immediately follow up with a strong request. But I’m going to ask you to hear me out…
- Link it with a feeling of positive regard. Because our relationship is important to me. An accusation audit essentially beats them to the punch and shows that you understand their feelings. This can strengthen you and disarm them, reduce the tension, and create a more receptive atmosphere for your apology
The Essential Elements of a Great Apology
Many apologies fail because you’re too focused on making yourself feel better and not focused enough on the other person’s needs and feelings. The goal is to deliver genuine and empathic apologies from a place of strength. Let’s dive in:
SAY “I’M SORRY.”
Don’t say “I regret” or “I’m regretful.” Better: “I’m sorry.” Regret is about how you feel. Sorry is about how the other person feels.
SAY WHAT YOU DID. BE SPECIFIC.
Generic apologies lack sincerity. Be clear and specific about what you’re apologizing for.
Don’t say: “Sorry about that.”
Better: “I’m sorry about what I said about your credentials. I can see how embarrassing it was for you.”
One of the most common “empathy mistakes” is focusing too much on your feelings and not enough on theirs. Focus on how it affected you only if the other person wants to hear it.
Don’t: Go on and on about how “terrible” you feel, how you couldn’t sleep, had to call your therapist, etc.
Do: “I feel terrible about how embarrassing that was for you, especially in front of the whole group.” Empathy is an elusive but essential relationship skill to develop. It enables you to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, whether you agree or even understand them.
Using this Jedi mind trick can help you develop your empathy superpower:
- You don’t have to agree with the other person’s feelings to be able to acknowledge them.
- You don’t have to feel their pain to acknowledge that your actions caused the other person pain.
- You don’t have to understand the other person’s pain to be moved by it and to help them ease it.
SAY WHAT YOU’LL DO DIFFERENTLY.
By offering a plan for change, you reassure the other person you’re serious about making amends.
Don’t say: “It won’t happen again. I’ll change.”
Better: “I’ve enrolled in an anger management class. I don’t want to lash out like this again.”
Don’t say: “The past is the past.”
Better: “I want to regain your trust. I’m giving you the password to my phone.”
OFFER TO MAKE AMENDS WHERE APPROPRIATE.
Taking tangible steps to repair the situation shows that your apology is more than just words.
Don’t say: “It was an accident. I didn’t mean to…“
Better: “I’m so sorry. Will you let me take care of the dry cleaning bill?”
Don’t say: “I was so busy, I just forgot.”
Better: “I’m so sorry. How can I make this right?”
LISTEN WITHOUT DEFENSIVENESS.
Listening well in these moments is just as vital as offering the apology itself. It can be extremely challenging to listen without defensiveness. To help yourself emotionally regulate, nurture your curiosity with a growth mindset. Let the James Stephens quote “Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will,” help you stay open, calm and engaged in the conversation.
Two Things to Leave out of an Apology
Apologies that shift blame or offer excuses come off as insincere. It’s essential to show that you take responsibility for your actions and acknowledge their effect on the other person.
1. Avoid statements that imply it’s the other person’s fault.
Don’t say: “I’m sorry you took it that way.”
Better: “I’m sorry I offended you.”
2. Avoid statements that downplay your responsibility.
Don’t say: “I was so exhausted; that’s why I didn’t call.”
Better: “I was exhausted, but I should have called. There’s no excuse for not letting you know I wasn’t coming.”
Don’t Fake It.
No apology is better than a fake apology.
1. The God has forgiven me (so there’s nothing more I need to do) apology.
“God has forgiven me. Why can’t you?” If you’ve asked God for forgiveness, good for you. That’s between you and God. Now, ask the person you harmed for forgiveness. That’s between you and them.
2. The I only did it for you (so it’s your fault) apology.
Shifting blame by saying you acted in the other person’s interest is a manipulation, not an apology.
“I only did it because… I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.” (You’re too sensitive.) “I only did it because… I thought it would help you.” (You’re too dumb to figure this out for yourself.)
3. The Let’s forget about this as quickly as possible and never speak of it again apology.
Ignoring, distracting and avoiding without addressing the hurt won’t lead to genuine resolution.
“Problem? What problem?”
4. The eye-roll apology.
Saying the word “sorry” accompanied with a hostile tone, gestures or facial expression is not an apology. It’s a passive aggressive ploy.
“Okay, okay… I’m SORRY! Feel better now?”
“I’m SORRY (heavy sigh)… What else do you want from me?”
The Emotionally Intelligent Apology
Mastering the art of an effective apology is an essential relationship skill. Whether it’s learning how to express empathy, taking responsibility, or crafting non-defensive responses, there’s a learning curve. If you’d like to enhance your apology skills, I’m here to help. Contact me at 502.426.1616 or LifeWise@DrJanAnderson.com Together, we can work through your specific challenges and tailor strategies to save and strengthen the relationships that matter most to you.