WE’VE BEEN TOLD for a long time that talking about our feelings is healthy.
Vent. Get it out. Don’t bottle it up.
So, it can feel almost heretical to say this—but it’s true:
Sharing your feelings doesn’t always help. Sometimes, it actually makes you feel worse. Not because emotions are bad. Not because support doesn’t matter. Because it’s not just talking that matters—it’s what happens next.
Rumination: When Your Mind Gets Stuck on Repeat
Rumination is what happens when your mind keeps replaying the same problem or feeling, hoping that thinking harder will finally bring relief—while quietly making you feel worse.
It’s not reflection. It’s not problem-solving. It’s your brain stuck in replay mode—running the same scene, over and over, without moving the story forward.
Dr. Jan shorthand: Rumination is replay without resolution.
Telltale signs: – The same thoughts, the same conclusions, the same ending – A tight emotional close-up with no zooming out – A familiar false promise: “If I replay this enough times, something will finally click.”
The hardest part is that you may not realize you’re ruminating—it feels like you’re figuring something out.
Co-rumination: When Connection Keeps You Stuck
Co-rumination is replay mode with an audience.
It’s when two or more people keep re-running the same story—what happened, what was said, how unfair it felt—creating closeness around the distress without changing where the story is headed.
Why it feels good at first: – Someone else is watching the tape with you – You feel understood, validated, less alone – The connection deepens in the moment
Why it quietly backfires: – The story gets replayed, not reframed – Emotional volume goes up, not down – You leave feeling closer—but no freer
The questions keep coming, the story keeps replaying, and the emotional volume gets stuck.
“But I thought talking about feelings was healthy?”
This is usually where clients stop me short.
We’re not wrong to be confused. Popular culture tells us that expressing our emotions is healthy and good for us. And this isn’t just a trendy, modern idea. Aristotle first suggested that emotional expression brings relief. Freud later jumped on the bandwagon big time and reinforced the belief that talking things through is inherently therapeutic.
But research tells a more nuanced story. Studies following 9/11 and the shootings at Virginia Tech and Northern Illinois found something deeply counterintuitive: people who shared the most about their thoughts and feelings often experienced higher levels of ongoing distress and poorer physical health than those who shared less.
And similar patterns show up well beyond large-scale trauma.
So what gives?
Are we supposed to isolate? Handle it alone? Swallow our feelings?
No. And this is where the conversation usually goes off track.
How Talking Goes Wrong (Without Anyone Meaning It To)
Seeking others out when we’re distressed does help us feel safer and more connected—at least at first. That part works.
The problem is what happens next.
With the best of intentions, support can slide into: – retelling the story – revisiting the details – re-experiencing the emotional surge
Instead of helping someone recover, we can end up encouraging them to relive—and sometimes even re-traumatize—the experience.
It’s subtle. All you’re trying to do is be caring and supportive. Let the person talk about their feelings. Let off steam.
But what if our intricately complicated human brains don’t work exactly like an efficient hydraulic system?
In our human complexity, letting off steam doesn’t always relieve the pressure building inside.
The Distinction That Changes Everything
Here’s the distinction I find myself making in my own conversations with clients, and just about anybody else, again and again:
Rumination asks: Why does this feel so bad, and why am I stuck watching this again?
Co-rumination asks: Can we keep replaying this together a little longer?
Healthy reflection asks: What matters most here—and what’s the next step I can take?
The first two keep us watching instead of choosing.
That’s why—despite its enormous potential to help—talking about emotions can backfire.
What Actually Helps: Validation and Perspective
When you’re under stress or feeling threatened, your brain first prioritizes emotional needs. Feelings come first. That’s why being able to talk about your distress matters—at least initially.
Effective support does two things: – It helps you feel understood – It helps you step back from the emotional close-up
Validation matters. Full stop. But validation alone doesn’t change the channel.
What helps is someone who can sit with you—and then help you zoom out—turning down the emotional volume so thinking can widen. Now you’re in a position to take perspective. You can start reframing and problem-solving.
Connection without movement keeps us stuck. Perspective creates traction.
A Surprising Model That Gets This Right
It even works in high-stakes conversations like hostage negotiations.
NYPD hostage negotiators saw an immediate drop in bad outcomes when they adopted a breakthrough approach developed by police officer and clinical psychologist Harvey Schlossberg.
Listening → empathy → rapport → influence → behavior change
This progression works not because it’s dramatic, but because people can’t think or choose clearly until things feel steady—even in extreme situations.
Listening and empathy come first. They help emotions settle. They create enough stability for perspective to return.
Only after that does influence make sense. Only then does behavior change become possible.
You don’t jump to solutions first. But you also don’t stay in empathy forever.
Support should help you steady first and think better—not just feel understood.
A Simple Gut-check You Can Use Right Away
Whether you’re seeking support or offering it, ask: – Is this conversation helping me gain distance—or just replay the scene? – After feeling understood, do I feel more capable—or simply more emotionally activated?
If talking doesn’t widen your options or calm your nervous system, you’re probably stuck in replay mode—alone or together.
The Takeaway
- Replay without direction = rumination
- Shared replay without movement = co-rumination
- Perspective plus choice = change
Talking about feelings isn’t the problem. Getting stuck there is.
The goal isn’t to shut emotions down—it’s to help them steady enough so you can choose what comes next.
If This Sounds Familiar
If you recognized yourself in this—replaying conversations, looping through worries, or getting stuck in the same emotional groove—you don’t need to try harder or talk it out one more time.
What often helps is learning how to steady first, widen perspective, and decide what actually comes next. That’s the work I do with individuals, couples, and families when talking alone isn’t helping anymore.
If you’re curious what that kind of support could look like for you, you’re welcome to schedule a brief, no-pressure consultation. We’ll start with what’s been on repeat—and explore what would actually help you move forward with more steadiness, perspective, and choice.
Jan Anderson, PsyD, LPCC Counseling with a Coaching Edge Executives & Professionals Couples Family Estrangement LifeWise@DrJanAnderson.com DrJanAnderson.com 502.426.1616