Why You Don’t Need to Be a Perfect Mom

The Power of ‘Good Enough’ Parenting

It was the last thing she expected to hear from a therapist.

DR. JAN: Maybe the best mother is the “good

CLIENT (frowning): Why would I want to be a good enough mother? That sounds… substandard.

DR. JAN: You’re right. It sounds below average, doesn’t it? I need a better way to say it.

CLIENT: “Good enough” sounds like I let myself off the hook and start slacking off. I can’t do that. I’m shaping a human being

DR. JAN: I get it. Until you’ve done it yourself, you don’t realize the pressure to bring your A-game. There’s no off-season. The responsibility that comes with motherhood is uniquely intense. But here’s the thing: When you talk about being a good mother, it sounds like you mean a perfect mother. I get a picture of an idealized myth of awesomeness beyond human capability. No wonder you’re stressed out.

Your Brain under the Influence of Perfectionism

DR. JAN: Perfectionism tends to make you overthink, try too hard, and underperform. It’s crazy — perfectionism makes you more likely to screw up!

CLIENT: I see what you mean…
DR. JAN: You think, “Oh no, I screwed up.” Now you try even harder.
CLIENT: That’s right!

DR. JAN: There’s even a scientific term for it. It’s called “reinvestment strategy.” It’s attempting to cope with your screwup by increasing your effort. Numerous studies show trying harder at this point only intensifies anxiety and stress — which can lead you to do worse. It’s what happens to your brain under the influence of perfectionism — like when you ingest too much social media or too many parenting books.

Mom Guilt

In the digital age, the ideal of the Perfect Mother flourishes, fueled by glossy Instagram photos and meticulously curated Facebook posts. These cultural artifacts suggest that the Good Mother is a paragon of virtue: always patient, selfless, and emotionally available. This time-honored myth insists that mothers conceal fatigue, suppress frustration, and continuously sacrifice their needs for the sake of their children.

In the 1990s, the trend toward “intensive parenting” kicked up the myth of the Good Mother several notches. This hands-on parenting model — an all-out investment, financially and emotionally, in your children — ushered in the shift to the “child-centered” society we now inhabit.

According to researchers at Cornell University, intensive parenting has become the aspirational ideal across all races and classes in American society — even for parents who can’t afford the significant time and money required to pull it off.

Some mental health professionals and parenting experts are nudging the cultural narrative toward parenting approaches that reduce the stigma around normal parenting struggles, take less of a toll on a mother’s mental health, and promote resilience in her children.

The radical concept of the “good enough mother” isn’t a new parenting trend. British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott argued that the ideal of the perfect mother wasn’t beneficial for children.

Instead, Winnicott suggested that the goal is to raise individuals with the resilience to thrive in an imperfect world while liberating mothers from unproductive guilt and the relentless pressure to perform flawlessly.

It’s a hard sell.

There’s Something Even Better Than Perfect

Promoting sustainable parenting practices that align with the reality of our human limitations isn’t sexy, but I’m finding ways to move the needle.

DR. JAN: What if I told you there’s something even better than the Perfect Mother?

CLIENT: Wait, what? How is that even possible?

DR. JAN: It’s true. There’s something even better than the Perfect Mother. We’re enchanted with the idealized Good Mother because we think it’s the highest and best. We think of perfect as “whole” or “complete.” So, to stop aiming for perfection seems like we’re settling for something less. That’s not true. A few things are missing even from the Perfect Mother’s parenting toolkit.

CLIENT: Really… What do you mean?

DR. JAN: For starters, when you’re in Perfect Mother mindset, it’s incredibly painful when you secretly feel something less than perfect or you perform less than perfectly. Normal parenting struggles can send you into a shame spiral that’s distracting and unproductive. That makes it hard to bounce back quickly and get back on track.

CLIENT: I can relate to that.

DR. JAN: Perfectionism is focused more on performance than connection. It reminds me of how organizational psychologists say there are three types of orientations in the workforce: 1) Task-oriented. 2) Rules-oriented. 3) People-oriented. All three of them are needed to make an organization successful. The Perfect Mother mindset tends to over-focus on tasks and rules, and in the process, it’s easy to lose the felt connection with yourself and your child.

CLIENT: That’s interesting. I hadn’t thought of it that way. But I don’t know… it feels weird. What if I lose my edge and end up a wine mom or something?

DR. JAN: That’s a natural and very appropriate concern. My job is to show you how letting go of the Perfect Mother ideal does not mean you’re at risk of automatically swinging to the other extreme — the Bad Mother.

Breaking Free from the Myth of the Perfect Mother

DR. JAN: Let’s start with a question: What are the worst things someone could say about you as a mother? Tell me everything that comes to mind.

CLIENT: The worst thing someone could say about me is that I don’t care about my kids. That I’m selfish.

DR. JAN: Okay, what else?

We quickly identified CLIENT’S definition of the two extremes of Bad Mother and Perfect Mother. (Fig. A)

Then came the more challenging part.

DR. JAN: I hope that by looking at these two polar opposites, you get a sense that there’s a Door #3.

CLIENT: I do… but I have no idea what it might look like

DR. JAN: That’s understandable. It’s a different way of thinking when you’re no longer forced to choose between two either/or extremes. It’s called both/and thinking, and here’s the best part: When you open Door #3, it will feel even better than the brief moments when you picked Door #2.

CLIENT: (confused expression) How is that possible?

DR. JAN: I think it’s because, on some level, we sense that insanely perfect just isn’t real or sustainable. You can’t trust it or relax into it. In contrast, Door #3 makes room for your humanity. It’s more whole and complete than perfectionism because it makes room for all of you.

CLIENT: That’s interesting.

DR. JAN: When you pick Door #2, the Perfect Mother mindset has zero tolerance for screwups or underperforming. The bar is stratospherically high. Maybe the hardest part is that it’s so unforgiving when you screw up, whether you intended to or not. There’s a major Inner Critic that hangs out at Door #2.

In our next session, CLIENT and I applied both/and thinking to create what she called “The Good Mother, Redefined.” (Fig. B)

Like many things in life, being a good mother involves balancing two equally important needs: attending to your own needs while caring for others. See if you feel better and function better when choosing a Door #3 mindset. Contact me if you want to jumpstart the process at LifeWise@DrJanAnderson.com or 502.426.1616.

Fig. A

DOOR #1: The Bad Mother The Worst Thing Someone Could Say about You.	DOOR #2: The Perfect Mother The Idealized Myth of Unsustainable Awesomeness.
A bad mother is a disorganized, distracted mess. She’s lazy. She’s always tired. She’s a slacker who can’t keep up.	A good mother tries to never show fatigue. Hardworking. Responsible. Organized. She makes mothering look easy and effortless.
A bad mother is always stressed out. She’s uptight, impatient, and easily freaked out.	A good mother tries to never show frustration. She stays calm. A good mother is always encouraging and supportive.
A bad mother is selfish: She doesn’t care about her kids. A bad mother always puts her own needs before her child.	A good mother is loving: She’s always “present” and emotionally available. A good mother always puts her child’s needs before her own.

Fig. B

DOOR #1: The Bad Mother	DOOR #2: The Perfect Mother (formerly known as Good Mother)	DOOR #3: The Good Mother, Redefined
Indifferent	Unsustainable	Sustainable
Motherhood is a walk in the park. It’s no big deal. You model negligence	Motherhood is a sprint. Every day is like the Olympics. You model fragility and rigidity	Motherhood is amarathon. How do I recover quickly and get back on track when life doesn’t go perfectly for me or my child? You model resilience.
I count. You doesn’tcount. Models self-absorbed. You teach your child not to expect much.	You count. I don’t count. Models selfdeprivation and selfsacrifice. You teach your child that the world rev	You count. I count, too. Models self-care as essential, not selfish. You teach your child how to hack it in the real world: the ability to tolerate and manage frustration, soothe themselves, and become selfsufficient.